It's been kind of a crazy, whirlwind nine months, y'all. Forty weeks seems like an eternity to be pregnant, yet somehow I find myself shocked at how quickly it all unfolded. People told me that in the beginning, too. "It'll go by so fast!" However, when you're barely 6 weeks pregnant and thinking about the entire process that lies ahead, it's almost impossible to actually believe them when they say it'll go quickly. Yet, here I am. At the end. Thinking it all went by so quickly. Funny how that happens. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, too. There's nothing I want more than to be done with this pregnancy and feel physically comfortable again, but sometimes I find myself a little nostalgic that this time has come to an end. It's one of those things that you think about all your life...getting pregnant, what it will be like, the process, having the baby, having your own baby to take care of...yada yada. It has always seemed like one of those things that you see in your future but never really imagine it happening to you. Does that make sense? And now that this time has come for me and I've experienced my first pregnancy and now am about to experience giving birth to my first child, all I can think about is the fact that I did it. I'm here. The unknown of pregnancy has been lived and conquered. It's that same feeling I got the day after my wedding. That, "So that was it?" kind of feeling. And not like a disappointed "that was it" type feeling, but more of a, "It's over and done with and I won't get to experience that again," feeling. So thrilled and pleased with the happening, but a little bummed that milestone has come and gone. I know, I know, there can and probably will be more pregnancies for me, but it's this first time thing that I'm talking about. The newness of the experience.
I really don't have any complaints about this whole pregnancy thing. At least not any of the unselfish kind. Of course I can tell you that I feel like Large Marge and I miss the cute clothes and waistline and all, but those are all superficial whinings that come with the territory. I really did have the easiest pregnancy ever. I never got sick, my emotions never really got elevated in any direction, I didn't have any weird cravings or aversions, there's been no stretch marks or swelling of the hands or feet, my blood pressure has remained low and steady...I mean, I'm a lucky gal, I get it. And knowing this, I know I have no room to express any kind of frustration solely because I'm uncomfortable. It could be worse and I certainly have heard the stories. I'm so thankful it wasn't. My heart goes out to you women.
Now, this will come as a surprise to no one, but I am not the poster child for pregnancy, either. I am not one of those bubbly girls who feels like pregnancy brings out the inner Greek goddess unicorn warrior princess lurking inside of her. I don't feel like I can conquer the world simply by strutting my pregnant belly around for all to see, and I certainly never had that glow about me that people rant and rave about all the time. In fact, I've gone about my business as usual for the last nine months and have avoided any additional attention or pregnancy discussion at all costs. I haven't felt all that different than I did beforehand, life has just gradually gotten a little more difficult to maneuver through. You know, physically and all. In a weak moment, I did find myself sympathizing with the women on My 600-lb life on TLC a time or two, though. I mean, I too have found myself sitting back with my plate of food on my belly because it's too hard to lean forward and eat and breathe at the same time. I've felt the pain of having to propel your body forward with a grunt to get up off the couch or out of bed. I can't see the lower half of my body anymore. I can't squeeze between tables without bumping into someone. And yes, maybe the floor boards of my car and the area around my desk at work is a little messy because bending over to pick up dropped items is a task that sometimes just isn't worthwhile. I've also found myself crying during trashy TV shows like 16 & Pregnant on MTV because there's a tiny portion of my soul that sympathizes and can relate to these disastrous little girls. I don't know. I don't really know where I was getting with that. Don't watch TLC or MTV while pregnant, I guess.
Anyway, pointless ramblings aside, this time is now coming to an end any day now. I'm totally freaked and equally as at peace about the process. That makes no sense really, but somehow it does to me. The unexpected of what will happen when we bring her into this world terrifies me because it's an uncontrollable that I really can't plan for. Yet I remind myself daily that women were designed for this and I know that whatever happens, holding this little nugget of ours for the first time will bring a calming peace and trump any other emotion I've ever felt. It will all have been so worthwhile and I can't wait. It's exciting to think about and wonder what she will look like, too. After carrying her for nine months, I've dreamed about her and talked to her in private and developed a relationship with her that can't be explained to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves. Though I get busy and life is business as usual, every once in a while I stop and remember that there's a little human being squirming around in my belly, living my life right there with me every step of the way. My little buddy. It's beyond exciting to imagine the moment that we will finally get to hear her scream and see her swollen little body for the first time and kiss those squishy little cheeks that our sonographer has commented on for the last few months! I'm so thrilled that we're so close to the end and that we've had such a positive experience. My mind is consumed with the thoughts of what is to come over the next few days or weeks and it makes me smile every time I walk in my front door and see baby items that are patiently awaiting their new owner. As quickly as she moved in and took over every inch of my midsection, this little lady has totally stolen our hearts already.
Can't wait for this new chapter of life and every crazy detail that will come along with it. It's going to be hectic and wild (did I mention we're moving to a new house TWO WEEKS after her due date? AH!) but so so fun. Part of me finds it hard to believe that I am here, and the other part of me can't imagine it any other way!
So, the next time you hear from me on this bad boy I will be a few lbs lighter, on cloud 9 and totally a mom.
AH! The 'M' word....WHAT!? Never thought the day would come.
Ok, I'm ready, little miss Gracen Kinley. Let's do this.
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